The New Yorker

The bear from The Revenant opens up about filming conditions

McSweeney’s

Fact-checking your Facebook status updates
Teenage slang: an essential guide for anxious parents

The Toast

My new password
Ernest Hemingway’s six-month appraisal at BuzzFeed
Liam Neeson’s Taken speech written by seven famous authors

The Daily Mash

Sock fetishist absolutely gagging for horniest day of the year
How to fucking own your role in the school nativity – by Christian Bale
Kinky blindfold sex best way to imagine lover is someone else
Man suspicious of tattooist with zero tattoos
Man not about to be denied joy of ringing bus bell just because it’s been done nine times
Man concerned about penis size forgets to worry about entire personality
Five-a-side ruined by semi-decent player
Horny man worried his fantasies are problematic
Man pleasantly surprised when ice lolly emerges from glory hole
Being Prime Minister should have a height requirement, Britain agrees

Reader’s Digest

Ernest Hemingway’s Performance Review at BuzzFeed (republished with permission from The Toast)

Slackjaw

Why I run
I live in a quiet coastal town and Nicole Kidman’s just moved in, so one of us is about to be stabbed to death

Medium

How I, a movie villain, taught my heavies what my nods mean
I Booked All of the Friends Reunion Celebrity Cameos. Here Was My System
Ray Winstone and the boulangerie
I saw Mummy kissing Santa Claus – Mummy’s perspective
Hamilton: An American Horror, by Mike Pence
The Fyre Festival Documentary From the Perspective of One of the Pigs
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